If you thought the Tories were Scrooges think again. That's only if you're hard-working, low paid families. If you want to get £millions off them here's what you do. Set up a charity with a catchy name. Locate it in London and other high profile places. Don't employ a boring white bloke as frontman. Go for a woman or transgender and GO ETHNIC. Outrageous clothes and big hat would do nicely. Get on board a few do-gooders from the BBC and lefty media and aim to help kids from the black or Muslim communities. Get some pop star or model to introduce you to Dave or George at a party and get their personal number and e-mail. Civil servants can be trouble - always asking about where the money goes - so go straight to the top. Let slip that if they don't cough up you'll tell your mates at the Beeb and Guardian that this government is racist and that there will be riots and terrorism if you don't get more loot.
When you get the money you keep half for you and the staff and you give the rest to kids to buy dope. Every kid you help will pass the joint around his/her mates so you can inflate the figures by, say, ten. Then they all have schoolmates and family members who benefit from their not being violent and disruptive so you can multiply the numbers helped by another ten. And if anyone asks you just point to your "independent audit" and you don't have to tell them that the nice misters Cameron and Osborne let you do your own. You should be able to cream off about £46 million before anybody notices.
