Cheeky

The prawn sandwich brigade may be in for a shock, the prawns should be expected to be raw. If you manage to get a corporate box, its more a dividing wall of paper Mache - will cost you about 3 bob (6 million yen). If you're worried about safety as a foreigner you shouldn't be, you'll stick out like a saw thumb on the CCTV (Crap Chinese Terror Vision) as everyone else looks identical. If you're planning on breathing, its advised only to do so between 4-7am and if making your way on the tube its considered rude if you don't have a cheeky 1 fingered grope at the woman dressed in school uniform wedged in next to you - be careful though Chinese blokes weeners are so little this act can get a little confusing especially when trying to work out what squiggle is the closest station to the stadium on the tube map. This map can be found not just below the roof line as in London but about waist height. Teamsheets can be particular challenging as it defies logic that so many players can have the same surname in a 1 child policy nation. Don't ask what Li, Po, Un, is etc as this will likely cause offence - its considered common knowledge that its only there to get better scores at Scrabble - they don't actually mean anything or translate to anything meaningful in english. There should be no language barrier, so many of our english teachers have escaped over there you should be able to communicate fine, although to appear like you aren't entirely ignorant- its advised you add in a speech impediment. Fags can be bought for about 27p a packet (about half a million yen), this is purely to keep the ageing population at manageable levels - you will not be expected to stand outside in a designated area at half time however, if you try a crafty one in the bogs beware, the smoke may cause fellow fans to enter your cubicle thinking they can join in with a different activity altogether. Don't ask for Bovril - they can't even say it - refer to Marathon / Jif / Oil of Ulay etc. when in Spain. Remember Murdock has no influence over here, each £35m player has been bought using cash ethically generated from well paid employees to consider otherwise is treason, and on that note please try and sing the national anthem otherwise you'll be shot. The bright, LED advertising boards around the perimeter can be extremely distracting and is a common cause of seizures. The Advert with the black running dog is not for an insurance company though, its our equivalent of KFC.

- excerpts taken from 'Chinese Book of Football Fans Etiquette' or with '#' on the cover, written in English and not translated.